Friday, April 18, 2014

A Childlover's Lenten Reflections

First I said, "God I shall be alone and live for you!" Then He gave me a Church. So I said, "God, I shall be with others and live for them and you!" So He told me to pray in the secret place, alone.

I first asked, "What will you have me do, Lord?" and I feared His response. Then when I had done it and felt I could do anything, I asked, "What will you have me do now, Lord?" and I feared His silence.

I asked "What will you give me Lord? That I remain childless?" And His silence told me, as I saw Christ laid down on the cross, "Haven't I given you enough?"

I first said, "Let me lust Lord, you'll forgive me!" He didn't. Then I said, "Then take it away Lord, I shall have no sexual feelings at all!" He didn't. Then I said, "Lord, you must know something I don't."

I said, "God, I am no saint..." My humility was my pride. Then I said, "God, I will be a great saint!" My pride was humbling. Then I said nothing.

God made me a pedophile for the same reason He makes anyone anything: for His glory. It's not about me doing my will. It's not about me doing His will. It's not about me, period! It's about Him doing His will. It's about Him and what He wants for me, which is ultimately for my own good. What does He want me to do for him? Usually the very thing that scares me the most.

God made me want, so God will make me wait. Sometimes it seems if God isn't pushing me anywhere, He's fighting to keep me where I am. Who am I to argue with what is best for me? The Lord knows what I have need of, and He's prepared to give it to me, but only if I will receive it.

God may want me to be alone, but He does not want me to be lonely. He has given me what I need to be happy, it's just that I have so often rejected it because it wasn't what I wanted. I've been the rich young man too many times.

God made me a sexual creature for good. It's time I got used to it! God said I shall not have the object of my desire, nor should I sin. He said "My grace is sufficient for you..." God made me a compassionate creature wanting nothing more than to nurture children. God said I shall not have the object of my desire. He said "My grace is sufficient for you..." God made me for Him in total, not in part.

My sin is of no consequence to God, but it is everything to me. My contrition is everything to God, even if it is often of no consequence to me. He waits for me to stop condemning myself under the boulder of sin before he forgives my burden with the ease of His breath.

It's not about perfection, it's about stumbling and getting back up. Stumble a million times, just so long as you get back up a million and one times. That's the way of the disciples. It would sure be easier if I could lust and lie and boast and spout off, but goodness is hard. It would sure be easier if God would just take away my lustful, lying, boating, wrathful heart at my command, but goodness is hard. The Narrow Gate is harder to find than I thought. He never said it would be easy, He just said it would be worth it.

God needs me to be who I am, despite what I am. First he had to show me what I am and then who I could be in order that I may be more like who He is. What I am is a sinner, a saint is what I could be, but who I am is a journey from here to there with Him. That's why He said "Come follow me." Who I am is His child. That's why He said, "Trust me."

Grace and peace be to you. 

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